Sorority Snob Suzie

I wrote an ad greatly exaggerating my college sorority experience while adding a hint of truth. I also had to do a little research to remember the proper jargon. Posted July 29, 2007.

The Ad

Former Sorostitute Seeks Former Frat Daddy

You know who you are. You and your brothers wore the pastel polo shirts with popped collars (circa 2004) at the popular campus bars while all the other non-frat guys (or GDIs) thought you were unoriginal tools. You attended TGs like G.I. Joes and Army Hoes or Secs and Execs. Maybe you play lacrosse or golf. You're definitely clean cut.

Anyway, a year ago, I moved down to Austin from some place up north. My current lifestyle placed me amongst the hippie and hipster crowds. Of course, they all think I'm weird. I sit there thinking, "You assume I'm weird, but you're the ones eating things like quinoa cookies and bulgur wheat every day." Needless to say, I'm neither vegan nor vegetarian, though I do eat bulgur wheat on occasion. Though it's awesome meeting, befriending, and hanging out with people so different than myself, it would be nice having some friends who were more like my former crowd. Basically, I feel like I do my part in keeping Austin weird by being normal according to Yankee standards.

I'm not your stereotypical blonde, ditzy, spoiled, wealthy, snobby sorority girl. I'm not even White. I attended college on a full scholarship because of my intellect. I have a fancy degree from a school with a top-five program for that degree. In college, I worked two part-time jobs in order to pay for sorority dues, exotic spring and summer break vacations, and my shopping habits. I did, however, rock the polo shirts (Ralph Lauren or Lacoste, of course), pearls, North Face jacket, white gold hoop earrings, Greek Week t-shirts, large-framed designer sunglasses, etc.

Despite how much of this sounds, I really have matured since college. Well, I no longer start partying on Wednesday nights (Liquid Dope Night AND Fishbowl Night!). I have a full-time job. I've embraced my intellectual side a bit more. I manage my finances better. I have all different kinds of friends. I'm more open-minded. I've adapted to Texas.

If interested, e-mail me to reminisce about old college days, make plans to meet up for coffee or beer, and/or find out how much of this was posted in jest. Just be over 23 and under 28 (I don't date men who are too much older). Please, no more tatted up musicians by night or hippies whose hair and facial hair make them resemble cartoon Jesuses. Now that I may have managed to insult half of Austin, I'll shut up.

The Responses

1. Oh damn girl. Just damn. Your post is just so poetic, it made me weep.
We are in the same boat. I just moved here a month ago or so. I graduated last year from a school up in the North and have not found anyone with the same style. I've met some awesome hippy/hipsters, but we're just too different. To be honest, it's not that we dont have shit loads in common, its just they cant get over the fact that i used to pop my collars (yes plural collars, i'm not sure which "Frats" you hung out with but they were for sure inadequate with their single collars). I might like the same movies, music, activities... but since I dress like a country club man whore then I'm automatically a player and weird...

2. lol... you sounds cool, but I'm both a tatted musician and have facial hair like a hippy :P

3. that was hilarious. I honey I am home. You go girl

4. Your post is too funny/intelligent/witty/sly//ironic/sarcastic/original for it not to be almost completely a joke - right? Except for the hippy/Jesus part…

5. you suck
why don't you move to Illinois or Arkansas, you'd fit in there a lot better
[Arkansas? Really? Why didn't he tell me to move to New England? That's where most of the preps are.]

6. Sorostitute....haha...I say that all the time. Your undergrad was in business wasn't it? Let me preface by apologizing profusely for grammar mistakes :) The polo look is deplorable...

7. Lol you did do a good job of insulting Austin, but that's okay because everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

8. ok whats up ??? I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight and hey I'd gladly give up celibacy to be with you haha so whts up what are you doing?

Lessons Learned

1. Some people get the satire!

2. There actually are preppy people in Austin!

3. I met one of the guys who answered this ad. I didn't realize he was married until a week or so after I met him. Shady.

4. Arkansas is preppy. It's the South's equivalent to Martha's Vineyard or something. Illinois is the Midwest's equivalent.