Polyamorous Patsy

As suggested by a friend (thanks, Anne-Marie!), I wrote an ad from the view of a polyamorous person. However, I didn't want the ad to get flagged, so I tried to make it sound legit. Unfortunately, not a single person who responded seem to catch on that I had written the ad with a hint of satire. This ad did lead me to wondering if cultural norms, religious beliefs, and such were stripped away, would humans naturally desire to mate with many people? Of course, STDs could be more prevalent, but it's interesting to think about. Think about it too much, and polyamory doesn't really sound so crazy. I'm a monogamist myself, though. Anyway, the ad was posted on January 29, 2008. I took it down before it expired so I could feel better about writing this entry.

The Ad

Unique, Independent Mind

I've always believed that the concept of having one true love is absolutely ridiculous. Perhaps I lack some silly romantic notion that so many girls out there have in their minds. I don't believe that a single prince will come and save me from all of my distress in my world of financial audits. I don't believe that there's one soulmate out there for me to wed and live with happily ever after. I don't belive in one person to "complete" me, as I already am a complete person on my own. I don't believe in "the one." Personally, I find it to be a bunch of fairy tale bullshit that we've been fed since we were children. There's no one Eric to my Ariel, Beast to my Belle, Aladdin to my Jasmine.

Basically, I'm never getting married. I'm never going to commit to just you. At any given point in time, there may be others. You may be my only love at one point in time, but I'll always be seeking love. Don't get me wrong; I don't have loose morals and I'm far from promiscuous. I just don't believe in one true love. With all that in mind, I'm a 23-year-old, college educated, independent, financially stable, intelligent, well-read, attractive, insouciant, not-obese woman. I prefer you to be under 35, independent, financially stable, intelligent, not obese, etc.

If my beliefs against monogamy haven't threatened you, then shoot me an e-mail. If you'd simply like to debate polyamory, then shoot me an e-mail and we'll discuss. Let's grab a beer at Gingerman or Opal's or coffee at Bouldin Creek or Flips. I suppose I had to add that last part since I'm supposed to prove that I'm a real person in Austin.

The Responses

1. You are awful young to have such strong beliefs, but then again, the young are passionate without any real foundation. I myself am never getting married, but am curious as to how you came to such conclusions... Parents divorced, lousy boyfriends, all that jazz?

[Does one absolutely have to have emotional baggage in order to have no desire for marriage? I think not. That's a little bit insulting, actually.]

2. You sound smashing. Alas, I am already married. I too felt for the longest time I'd never get hitched; so did my wife, yet here we are. It's not even really a question of monogamy - if extracurriculars are what we need from time to time, we talk about it and proceed from there - but the partnership is pretty handy. Of course, your mileage may vary.

[Very interesting.]

3. i am perfectly fine with polyamory. My ex and I were swingers and what I enjoyed the most was her being with other men. I only ask that you be open about it.

[There's such a big difference between polyamory and swingers! Polyamory means "many loves." Love, people, love. But of course, the word "love" is thrown around much too loosely. But really, romance and all that crap. Swingers aren't quite known to be the biggest romantics out there.]

4. Very much so. Your pretty convincing, maybe I dont believe in true love either? Either way, im bored as hell and stuck making a payroll budget for my cafe. You seem pretty interesting but I am far from a lets get a beer and fuck kinda guy. Check me out either way.

[Being polyamorous in its true sense doesn't exactly automatically make one easy. Read the ad again. Also, I never said I didn't believe in true love. I said I didn't believe in one true love. BIG difference.]

5. Basically you have a good point, and I suppose you like Disney movies. I dunno about the Disney movies though. I haven't seen one in ages. When I was little, my sister and I had the Aladdin video game for sega genesis and it was awesome...So I suppose if you wanna know more email me back and tell me what pomegranate tastes like or if its decent. I was kinda skeptical on getting one before and I don't know what just sparked my interest.

[...?!]

6. Sounds as if we are in a similar situation - and I will wager my sex drive exceeds yours - or if not - what a great match, for both of us....and I would love to find a FWB & BRAINS, and you appear to have all of these qualities based on your post...I tried to send a photo earlier and it was rejected - no, I am not that large, just the file size was too large for CL. I do know how to use what I have, and am also a very oral centric person....enjoy passionate kissing - lots of foreplay, and utilizing my talents to give you a soft butterfly touch, as I really enjoy providing oral pleasure to my lovers......Me - 42, WM, 6 Foot, Athletic Build, Premature Salt and Pepper Hair ( Think Taylor Hicks from last year's American Idol ), Brown Eyes,Non-Smoking, Clean, DD & F, UT Professor. Talk to you soon, and would love to meet my sexual twin

[EWWWWWW!!!!!!!! I don't want that old perv as my professor. Or lover.]

7. Fucking right on! This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I'd love to discuss (im interested in obtaining a female's perspective).

[I hope there aren't a TON of guys out there whose initial responses were "fucking right on." Maybe romance is dead. Or dying.]

8. I really liked your ad. It was so refreshing to see a woman say that she doesn't believe in that fairy tale bullshit of 'the one'. I gave up on such fantasies long ago. I'm not looking for promiscuity either, but having a woman to spend time with on a somewhat regular basis without having to put up an illusion of forever would be fantastic. I've been in longterm monogamous relationships, and I didn't have a problem being monogamous but something did always feel unnatural about it.

[Something unnatural about monogamous relationships? Not having to put up "an illusion of forever?" I must not judge. I must not judge. I must not judge.]

9 You, my girl, are a challenge. But, you have already fallen into one of many traps that we all have fallen...the trap of the word...never. That word is used far too often, with little respect and in essence, with little care to its meaning. Never implies to an action that will not occur and in our chaotic world where your next hello may be your last, the chances of predicting or not predicting said action are almost nil. That is unless, you are incapable of loving someone enough to marry that person and if that is the case then it is not a case of "never " but a case of "incapable". I pray it is not a case of "incapable", but a case of "finding a man vs finding a boy". That being said, I would truly like to talk to you at some point to get your opinions on a number of subjects. From a purely time based angle, I would say that you are too young for me, however, based on what you have written, I can see that you are older (theoretically speaking) than your carbon-dating. I would say let us meet and have a meeting of the minds.

[What does any of that have to do with anything? Sometimes, intellectuals and aspiring intellectuals are a little too much for me. Seriously. They're so nitpicky about wording, and they take things out of context. And they go off on tangents with irrelevant topics based on the allegedly improper wording. I often find that annoying.]

10. I just wanted to applaud you for actually presenting polyamory in a sane, intelligent manner. I hope you actually can find a guy on CL who isn't a sleaze or a dipshit. And good luck dealing with the penis pictures! = 3

[Haha. That was sent by a girl. Anyway, I unintentionally presented polyamory in a "sane, intelligent manner." Glad it amused some people, though everyone took me seriously. Though surprisingly, I didn't receive a single real penis picture.]

Lessons Learned

1. Lots of people like polyamorous girls. Especially people seeking easy sex and/or commitment-free relationships.

2. Girls, if you're looking for a faithful, committed boyfriend, you'll have to watch out for a lot of those sleazes out there. Some of them are on Craigslist.

3. Many people don't know the differences between polyamory, polygamy, and swinger. There are distinct differences. Polyamory means many loves. Polygamy refers to marrying multiple people. I'm pretty sure swinger refers to multiple sex partners. I received a few responses regarding polygamy, though I'd said I wasn't going to get married.

4. Next time I want to write a satirical ad, I must make it sound more fake.

5. Maybe people really do want what they can't have (in this case, to themselves).

6. Theoretically speaking, I'm older than my carbon dating. Right. Posting illegit CL ads makes me very mature.